HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE READY FOR A NEWFOUNDLAND



1)     Lift a hundred pound bag of wet sand up and down the stairs

2)     Push a hundred pound bag of wet sand into your car

3)     Borrow a pony and purchase a Dremel and practice dremeling the pony's hooves while on your hands and knees..be sure to
        remember to give him carrots

4)     Smear hair gel all over your walls and throw it on the ceiling and TV, while you are at it... smear the lower half of all windows,
        curtains, and glass doors

5)     Wear old football cleats and run and slide on your wood floors

6)     Smear your toilet seat in more gel and bits of mulch and grass

7)     Throw away all light colored dress clothes, purses, and shoes

8)     Rub fur and gel into the roof of your vehicle

9)     Drip lotion out of the windows and down the sides of your car

10)     At least twice daily drop that bag of wet sand on your bare foot

11)     Shake balls of fur, mulch, and a bucket of dirt all over your house daily (add water for rainy days) for variety add bits of toilet
        paper, shaving cream, and feathers

12)     Throw chains and some of that gel on your stainless steel appliances

13)     Stand on your dishwasher door while it is opened

14)     Practice repeating " NEWFOUNDLAND....no, it's not a Black Great Pyrennes..150 pounds....4-8 cups a day....no, I don't have a
          saddle" over and over with a smile

15)     Volunteer at the zoo to help wash the large animals and clean up their poop

16)     Invite your friends over and have them all try to get in the bathroom while you are using it

17)     Throw muddy wet rocks on the floor and walk on it in bare feet in the dark, you may not scream or you will wake someone

18)     Have someone operate a chain saw outside your bedroom door all night...record this and play it every night right next to your ear

19)     Take a Nice long piece of rubber hose and go around smacking all the coffee mugs off the end-tables and hit any close male in
          the privates and just smack your own legs a few times

20)     Take shampoo, egg whites, and a gal of water and make big pools on your tile floors.....run through this windmilling your arms and
           yelling whoopeee

21)     Pull back your sheets and fill your bed with a bag of yard clippings and sand, add a branch and a bone..... carefully re-make your
         bed...smear your pillow with hair gel

22)     Practice sleeping on the outside 6" of your bed with no pillow and that wet bag of sand next to you...your blankets are to be
          under the bag of sand

23)     Practice telling people that your husband does NOT beat you, that those bruises are from your dogs

24)     Stuff your washer with your best bedding and another one of those bags of yard clippings and hair.....add a couple of branches
           and bones and run

25)     Remove your normal dryer vent and just run a temporary hose out your laundry window for venting hair

26)     Without smiling, offer to drive your friends for a dressy night out

27)     Bend all your eye-glasses and smear with more of that gel

28)     Invest in a vacuum company

29)     Invest in a dog food company

30)     Purchase a vacation home for your veterinarian

31)     Walk around your grocery store talking loudly on your cell phone saying BITCH and SPERM COUNT and BITCH PANTIES and
           IMPORTED SEMEN over and over

32)     Lay a sand bag in front of your sink, in front of the refrigerator and in front of the dishwasher.. ..now cook for 10 guests

34)     Stand at your back door from dawn til dark opening and closing it